冰箱里的储蓄罐
My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy.
我表妹总是从她哥哥的小猪扑满里“借钱”，她哥哥对此事感到很愤怒。
One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.
一天，表妹四处寻找，最后竟然在冰箱里发现了扑满。
Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."
扑满里有张纸条：“亲爱的妹妹，我希望你能够理解，我的资产现在已被冻结。”
I Understand Him我懂他的话
While eating in a restaurant, I reprimanded my four-year-old son for speaking with his mouth full . "Mump umn Kmpfhm," was all I heard.
"Drew," I scolded, "no one can understand a word you're saying.
"He says he wants some ketchup," my husband said calmly . A woman sitting nearby leaned over and asked, "How in the world did you understand him?"
"I'm a dentist," my husband explained.
在饭店吃饭的时候，我申斥我4岁的儿子，因为他满嘴食物在说话。“喔、呢”，我听到的就是这些。 “祖，”我责备道，“没人明白你在说什么。” “他说他要一些番茄酱，”我丈夫平静地说。坐在旁边的一位妇女靠过来问道：“你究竟如何明白他的话的呢?” “我是牙医。”我丈夫解释道。
我为什么逃避手术
A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.
一位男士在进行手术前被发现正沿着医院的大厅逃离。
"What's the matter?" he was asked.
“发生了什么?”有人问他。
He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"
男士回答道：“我听见护士说，‘这只是一个简单的手术。不用担心，我相信不会出问题的'。’”
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
“她这样做是想让你感到安心啊，有什么好害怕的?”
"She was talking to the damn doctor!"
“可她是在对那该死的手术医生说!”
The Cemetery Shortcut为抄近路走墓地
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
万圣节派对过后，两男人图个乐呵，打算抄近路穿过墓地回家。
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
走到墓地中央时，他们被从迷雾中传来的“答、答、答”声惊吓到了。
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
正当两人害怕得浑身颤抖时，他们看到是个老头拿着铁锤和凿子，在一块墓石上凿着什么。
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
“哇塞，先生，”其中一人喘了口气说，“你把我们吓得半死啊，我们还以为遇上鬼了呢!那么晚了你在这里做什么?”
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
“那帮白痴!”老头抱怨道，“他们把我名字拼错啦!”
保证没走错To be on the Safe Side
In a cinema during a performance one of the audience gets up, makes his way along the row of seats and goes out into the foyer.
在一家电影院里，一名观众在演出期间站了起来，沿着他那排位子走到休息室去了。
A few minutes later he returns and asks the man sitting at the head of the row:
几分钟后，他回到那排位子并问坐在首位的那位男士道：
"Excuse me, was it your foot I stepped on when I was going out a moment ago?"
“对不起，请问我刚才出去的时候是踩着你的脚吗?”
"Yes, but it doesn't really matter. It didn't hurt at all."
“是的，不过没什么关系，一点也不疼。”
"Oh, no, it isn't that. I only want to make sure that this is my row."
“噢，不，我不是这个意思。我只是想确认一下这是不是我的那排位子。”
传教士买鹦鹉A preacher is buying a parrot
A preacher is buying a parrot.
一个传教士在买鹦鹉。
"Are you sure it doesn't scream, yell, or swear?" asked the preacher.
“你确信它不会尖叫，大叫或诅咒别人吗?”传教士问。
"Oh absolutely. He's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
“噢，绝对不会。它是一只虔诚的鹦鹉。”店主向他保证。
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
“你看见它腿上的那些细绳了吗?当你拉动右边这根，它会背诵天主经;当你拉动左边那根，它会背诵赞美诗。”
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
“太棒了!”传教士说，“但是如果我同时拉动两根绳子，会发生什么呢?”
"I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!" screeched the parrot.
“我会从树干上掉下去，你这个笨蛋!”鹦鹉尖声说道。
谁才是有色人种
Dear white, something you got to know
亲爱的白种人，有几件事你必须知道。
When I was born, I was black.
当我出生时，我是黑色的
When I grow up, I am black.
我长大了，我是黑色的
When I’m under the sun, I’m black.
我在阳光下，我是黑色的
When I’m cold, I’m black.
我寒冷时，我是黑色的
When I’m afraid, I’m black.
我害怕时，我是黑色的
When I’m sick, I’m black.
我生病了，我是黑色的
When I die, I’m still black.
当我死了，我仍是黑色的。
you—white people,
你——白种人
When you were born, you were pink.
当你出生时，你是粉红色的
When you grow up, you become white.
你长大了，变成白色的
You’re red under the sun.
你在阳光下，你是红色的
You’re blue when you’re cold.
你寒冷时，你是青色的
You are yellow when you’re afraid.
你害怕时，你是黄色的
You’re green when you’re sick.
你生病时，你是绿色的
You’re gray when you die.
当你死时，你是灰色的
And you, call me color?
然后，你叫我“有色种人”?
钱不用找了
Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospective customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 35 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for ten or 15 cents each.
在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争论。他对购买袖珍奥金.纳什集颇感兴趣，但是说它要三十五美分开价过高。其它的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。
I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet, and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents. Triumphant, he paid with a $10 bill. "Keep the change," he said.
我指出这本书保存状况颇好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，这个要价是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最终，我同意以十五美分的价格将这本书卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付帐。“零钱不用找了。”他说。
咒语
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
一个男人找到一个巫婆，要求她解开一条困扰了自己40年的咒语。
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
巫婆说："或许我可以做的到，但你必须一字不落地告诉我下咒的时候说的那句咒语。"
The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."
男人毫不犹豫的答道：“‘我现在宣布你们成为夫妇。’”
世界各地的蹩脚英语
①If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself。
日本旅馆：如果您想调节您房间的温度，请控制您自己。
②Please don't feed the animals. If you have any food, please give it to the guard on duty。
匈牙利动物园：请不要给动物喂食。如果您有食品，请喂给值班警卫。
③Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar。
挪威酒吧：女士们不要在酒吧里生孩子。
④Fur coats made for ladies from their skins。
瑞典皮货商店：为女士们制作的皮大衣，是用她们的皮制成的。
⑤Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists 。
香港牙科诊所：由最新的卫理公会教徒给您拔牙。
⑥Drop your trousers here for best results。
泰国的干洗店：在这里脱掉您的裤子，等待最好的结果。
⑦Specialist in women and other diseases。
意大利妇科诊所：我们是women和其他疾病的专家。
⑧Welcome to the cemetery where famous Russian artists are buried daily except Thursday。
俄国公墓：欢迎访问这个公墓，许多著名的俄国艺术家每天埋在这里，但星期四不埋。
⑨We take your bags and send them in all directions。
丹麦机场：我们将拿走您的行李，送往四面八方。
⑩The manager has personally passed all water served here。
墨西哥旅馆：旅馆经理将亲自为您撒尿。
送出去还有的东西
What can Santa give away and still keep?
Answer: a cold.
什么东西圣诞老人可以分送出去，自己却也还留着?
答案：感冒。
圣诞老人的爱好
What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?
Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe.
圣诞老人喜欢在花园里做什么?
答案：锄地。(英文里Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是锄草之意，ho则是圣诞老人的笑声。)
